Want to lose weight? Use these tried-and-true 20th century solutions for the every-day, career-minded employed-professional

• Eat only egg whites, the least nutritious and tasteless part of the egg. These are best consumed pre-de-yoked out of cardboard cartons
• Instead of eating fewer Oreos, eat only the half with the frosting and throw the other half away
• Unless you know the exact caloric content of every facet of all ingredients, the meal is not worth eating and is, in fact, dangerous and highly suspect.
• When preparing toast, eat only the slices of bread that are not symmetrical on both sides, crust-wise. Only butter (excuse me, margarine or margarine substitute or similar) the smaller side, so as to consume fewer calories.
• When drinking coffee, add only pre-sweetened, shelf-stable cream-product, as actual cream is essentially poison, as is every dairy product other than skim milk. (NOTE: skim milk should only be consumed on Sundays)
• Preparing meals from scratch is overly dangerous, as farmers do not provide adequate nutritional data along with their organic kale and carrots (see third bullet).  **Stay tuned for the change.org petition.**
• Plain rice cakes should be kept on one's person at all times, with extras in the glove compartment of your car.
• Only chew sugarless gum
• Use only 0 calorie toothpaste
• Under no circumstances should you actually consume a cinnamon roll. Not only will this lead to an appreciation of cinnamon rolls, it also is a gateway into the dangerous world of the cinnamon challenge.
• Be advised that calories, when consumed healthfully, only come in increments of 100.
• Should you be tempted to drink anything other than sparkling water, pomegranate juice, or FiberPlus, wash your mouth out with soap.
• Bread will literally kill you. Pasta will only sometimes kill you.